


You let her go (or did you?)

by Roshwen



Category: The Librarians (TV 2014)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, I call this: the boys crying over Cassandra part II, Multi, The actual character death happens offscreen but that doesn't mean there won't be tears, The deathfic nobody needed or wanted, This might or might not become a thing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-22
Updated: 2017-09-22
Packaged: 2019-01-04 05:00:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12162042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Roshwen/pseuds/Roshwen
Summary: It was supposed to be a small mission in a small town with just the two of them. Ezekiel still doesn’t know what the fuck went wrong.





	You let her go (or did you?)

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah, this is what happens when I should be working. This was done in one slightly sleep-deprived sitting, so please be kind.

When Jake finds him, Ezekiel is sitting on the floor in the Library, in the path between the bookshelves housing the complete works of Isaac Newton and something else Jake does not want to think about. It’s dark and quiet there and Jake feels a little guilty for intruding, but not as guilty as he feels about all the things he’s said and done these past few weeks and which he can only hope he can still make right.

Ezekiel is hunched forward, his legs are drawn up to his chest, his arms wrapped around them and his forehead resting on his knees so Jake can’t see his face. He looks impossibly small. Jake’s throat hurts at the sight, so instead of saying something he just gives a soft knock on the bookshelf.

Ezekiel turns his head to glare up at him, then looks back down at his knees. Jake didn’t know he had any heart left that could still shatter, but apparently he was wrong because the wary look in Ezekiel’s eyes cuts through him like Excalibur laced with salt water. What makes it even worse, is that he knows damn well it’s his own fucking fault Ezekiel looks like that. That Ezekiel has every right to look at him like that.

For a moment, the silence in the Library is absolute. Ezekiel’s voice barely cuts through it as he asks: ‘Are you here to yell at me again?’

His tone is flat. It would have been better if it had been angry, or bitter, or resentful. Instead it’s just flat, like he already knows the answer is going to be more yelling. Jake has yelled at him a lot these past few weeks.

‘ _What the hell happened, Jones?’ Jake shouted, his voice close to cracking and his face a mask of fury that Ezekiel had never seen before. ‘What the HELL happened? You didn’t think to stop her? You just let her go in on her own, just like that and you did. Not. STOP. Her?’_

_Ezekiel had taken it. He’d taken everything Jake had thrown at him, only shouted back a little himself when Jake hurled a particular brutal blow, but most of all he had just let it happen._

Jake shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says softly. ‘No, I think I’m done yelling for now. And I’m sorry.’

If the change in his demeanor surprises Ezekiel, he doesn’t show it. His shoulders relax a little, though, and Jake takes that as a good sign. ‘I’m sorry,’ he says again because some things you just can’t say often enough.

‘Sorry for yelling?’ Ezekiel mutters, his voice still lacking any kind of emotion.

‘I’m sorry for yelling at you,’ Jake says. ‘Not for yelling at Flynn. Or at…’ He doesn’t finish the sentence, just waves his hand in the direction of the bright copper urn on the bookshelf. He still can’t quite look at it directly, so he fixes his gaze on a point on the floor about an inch in front of Ezekiel’s shoes.

Ezekiel doesn’t respond and for a moment Jake is not sure if he did the right thing in coming down here. ‘Look,’ he says, still not looking up from the ancient carpet, ‘I’ll go away if you want me to. It’s just that… I mean, I know I’ve been biting everybody’s head off lately but you’ve barely said a word since… _since_ and I thought you might. You know. Want to talk. Or.’

When Ezekiel stays quiet, Jake decides he should actually go. ‘Okay,’ he says, turning around to walk back to the Annex. Before he can take two steps, though, there’s a soft sound behind him followed by an even softer ‘Don’t go.’

Jake turns back around. Ezekiel is looking at him, all his tension gone and replaced by a bottomless grief that Jake feels in his own bones.

‘Don’t go. Please,’ Ezekiel whispers again, so Jake walks over and sits himself down, bumping his shoulder against Ezekiel’s. They sit quietly like that for what seems like a long time, barely touching, not talking, just breathing together.

* * *

  _It was supposed to be a small mission in a small town with just the two of them. Ezekiel still doesn’t know what the fuck went wrong,_ _but here they were, standing outside a decrepit old house somewhere in Fuck-this-shit, Michigan, while inside the house the subject of their latest case was about to unleash a magical apocalypse._

_It should have been just another Tuesday._

_But Cassandra had looked worried and when Ezekiel asked what was wrong, she just said: ‘We’re too late.’_

_Apparently they should have used the magic-muting thingamajic Jenkins had given them_ before _the house lit up with that eerie blue green light. Damn_

 _Before Ezekiel could start formulating a new plan, however, Cassandra beat him to it. ‘I think I’ve got a plan,’ she said, and Ezekiel could already tell he would hate it. ‘I think… I think if I go inside, I can_ _use some counter spells. If I can do that long_ _enough to break his focus, the magic_ _will discharge_ _through both of us without blowing up the entire town.’_

‘ _When you say ‘the magic_ _will discharge_ _through the both of us,’ Ezekiel said slowly._ _Then he saw the look on Cassandra’s face and stopped. ‘No. No, no, no. Absolutely not.’_

‘ _There’s no time for anything else,’ Cassandra said. ‘If that thing blows… if it blows, it will unleash so much raw magic into the ley lines that_ _it’d make Prospero look like one of those crappy magician’s you get at children’s birthday parties. I can’t let that happen.’_

 _At that exact moment,_ _t_ _he blue green light shining through the windows suddenly intensified and by now, they could hear a low hum that set Ezekiel’s teeth on edge. Cassandra_ _looked at him, and even though his blood was slowly turning into ice water at the thought, Ezekiel knew she was right._

_He nodded. 'Okay,' he said around the sudden constriction in his throat. 'Okay.'_

_Cassandra nodded a little more decisively. Then she kissed his cheek and disappeared into the house before Ezekiel could say another word._

* * *

 ‘You let her go,’ Jake says, finally ending the silence. He can feel Ezekiel tense up next to him and he quickly continues: ‘Not… I don’t mean it like that. I mean.’

He falls quiet again and Ezekiel does not ask what he means, but he does relax a little again. By now he sits slumped against Jake’s side, and Jake’s hand is splayed across his back. It’s not a hug, not by a long shot, but it’s more contact than they’ve had in weeks and it’s only now that Jake realizes how much he needed this.

He can only imagine how much Ezekiel might have needed this as well.

‘It’s a good thing you were with her,’ Jake tries again because one way or another, he has to get his point across. Even though he may have to find it first.

Ezekiel makes a noise that in another lifetime might have been a laugh. ‘That’s not what you said earlier.’

‘ _What the fuck were you even doing there, Jones?’ Jake bellowed. ‘I should have been there! You were supposed to help Jenkins fireproof the phoenix room and I should’ve gone on the mission with her. None of this would’ve happened if you just… if I’d been there, none of this would’ve fucking happened!’_

Jake swallows the shame that is clawing its way up through is chest and says: ‘I know. But I was wrong. It’s a good thing you were there, not me.’

‘Because I let her go?’ Ezekiel asks, confusion finally giving some color to his voice.

Jake nods. ‘Yeah,’ he says as his hand starts stroking a soothing path up and down Ezekiel’s back. ‘I don’t think I could’ve done that. If I’d been there… If I’d been there I would’ve grabbed her and gotten the hell out of there. Damn the town, hell, damn the world, but I don’t think I would’ve done what you did. I don’t think I could’ve let her go like that.’

By now, Ezekiel has started shaking like a leaf so Jake has to stop for a moment and pull him closer against his chest. In response, Ezekiel wraps his arms around Jake and holds on as if for dear life, burying his face in Jake’s shirt. Jake holds on just as tight, mentally cursing himself for only doing this now instead of all those weeks ago when Ezekiel stumbled through the backdoor alone.

‘You think I didn’t want to do that?’ Ezekiel asks, his voice ragged and muffled by Jake’s shirt. ‘You think I wanted to… I wanted to….’ He stops and gulps for air, then says: ‘I wanted to do what you said. Grab her, get out of there, damn everything. But she… she looked at me and I just...’

Jake just nods. He knows exactly what kind of look Ezekiel is talking about. He has to take a deep breath and let it out slowly before he can say: ‘Do you know why I was so angry with you?’

Ezekiel shakes his head, so Jake says: ‘Because like I said, you and… the two of you did the right thing and I don’t know if I could’ve done that. Because… because I know going out saving the world, that’s what Librarians _do,_ but if it meant I’d lose you… either one of you, I think I’d rather let the whole world burn.’

The vehemence in his voice surprises himself. Apparently it also surprises Ezekiel, because he is watching Jake with wide, shining eyes that Jake can’t bear to look at right now. He swallows and says: ‘That’s why I was so pissed. I was pissed at me, because I wouldn’t have made the call a Librarian is supposed to make and I took it out on you and I know that’s not fair and I’m sorry.’

‘You would have done the same thing,’ Ezekiel mutters and the words feel like a stab in Jake’s gut. The disbelief must show on is face, because Ezekiel sits up a little straighter and tells him: ‘You _would._ You think the Library chooses people just for their brains, or the fact that they can recite ancient Greek poetry backwards in their sleep? Mate, if you had told me months ago that I’d voluntarily let you, _either of you,_ walk into a house filled with crazy powerful magic, without even trying to stop you, I’d have told you you’d gone bloody mental!’

He slumps back against Jake’s chest again. ‘But then again,’ he says, his fingers idly toying with the hem of Jake’s shirt, ‘it wasn’t really my call to make. Wouldn’t have been yours either.’

For a long minute, Jake goes perfectly still. Then he releases an enormous breath in one great whoosh and doubles over, taking Ezekiel with him. Jake’s shoulders are shaking and even he couldn’t tell you if he was laughing or crying as everything he’s been bottling up for the past weeks rushes out at once. He is vaguely aware that Ezekiel is watching in shock and he tries to contain himself but there’s no stopping now. So instead he just reaches out blindly until he can grab a shoulder and holds on tight, waiting for the storm to pass.

When it does, he takes a few deep breaths and says: ‘I’m an idiot.’

Ezekiel nods. ‘You are. And she would have been so bloody pissed at you if she knew. At both of us, by the way.’

‘Nobody lets her do anything,’ Jake says, still in that epiphany voice. ‘She makes her own choices.’

‘It wasn’t our call,’ Ezekiel says softly, ‘it was hers. Just hers.’

As if on cue (and really, when you’re in a sentient building who knows what’s on cue and what isn’t), a ray of late afternoon sunshine slants through one of the skylights directly onto the urn on the top shelf, turning the copper to fire. Jake chokes up again at the sight but Ezekiel smiles, his first smile in a long time. ‘Hey,’ he whispers up to the bookshelf, ‘it’s okay. We get it now.’

Then he reaches for Jake again and Jake pulls him close, pressing kisses into his hair as Ezekiel tucks his face in the crook of Jake’s neck. Wrapped up in each others arms, sitting on the Library floor between two bookshelves, they don’t shatter apart. They did that separately already and perhaps later, they will do it again together, but right now, things might just start to heal a little bit.


End file.
